


All the Pretty Flowers, How Good They Smelled

by hazel_3017



Series: All the Pretty Flowers [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Comfort/Angst, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:05:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazel_3017/pseuds/hazel_3017
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sidney miscarries in the middle of a game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Pretty Flowers, How Good They Smelled

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction

Sid miscarries in the middle of a game. It's a collision with his own D that has him flying into the boards before he crumbles to the ice. He lies there, immobile by the cramps as a pool of blood steadily gathers around his lower body.

The Philly crowd is silent, shocked into it by all the blood maybe; there is so much of it. It's a stark contrast against the white of the ice, and there is enough of it that it sends the other players into a panic. Giroux is closest to him, and he sinks to his knees beside Sidney, his hands sliding through the slick red of the blood.

His hands are stained with it, wet and dripping, hovering over Sidney’s body as if unsure where to touch. He’s screaming for the medics, for someone to call a damn ambulance, but Sidney can’t focus. He’s in too much pain.

“Sid! Sid!”

That’s Geno’s voice, he thinks, and feels large hands cup his head, the touch soft and comforting. 

“Hurts, Geno,” he says, whispers. Sid’s voice is so hushed he’s not sure Geno can hear him, even over the tense silence of the crowd. He’s not sure it matters.

“Will be fine, Sid. Gonna be okay. It’s okay.”

Sidney latches onto the words. He zones in on Geno’s voice through the pain and reaches out to wrap his hand around Geno’s wrist when the medics get there, when he’s lifted onto the stretcher and carried off the ice.

He hangs on, clinging to the words and Geno’s hand–-

“It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be fine.”

–-because he knows it’s not, but it’s all he can do.

*

Sidney hadn’t even known he was pregnant.

*

“How the fuck didn’t you know about this? This is why we do regular blood work, to prevent this kind of thing! What the hell–-”

Sidney turns in his bed, putting his back to the door. He doesn’t want to listen to his dad yell at the team doctors, doesn’t want to hear Mario demand how their medical staff had failed so thoroughly.

He meets his mom's eyes briefly before closing his own, shutting out the sight of her tightly held anger, of the obvious sorrow and regret she can’t quite keep off her face. 

He can hear her put away her magazine before she gets up from her chair and strides across the room. Can hear her hushed voice as the door closes behind her, telling them all to shut up, that he can hear them and hasn’t he suffered enough?

Sidney squeezes his eyes shut tighter. His left hand settles over his stomach.

It’s flat.

*

When they first brought him to the hospital, the medical staff had to pry his grip off Geno before rushing him away for an emergency D&C. He needed a blood transfusion too; he’d lost so much. Geno got to sit with him then, at least.

His parents fly out immediately, and it pisses him off that they have to meet him in Philly, that they won’t move him back to Pittsburgh.

He’s too weak, they keep telling him. He needs to recuperate; he lost too much blood, the baby took up most of his iron. They want to give him another transfusion before discharging him.

Geno stays with him through it all. Sidney doesn’t really think about that until much later.

*

Sidney wants to get back to hockey immediately. Wants to forget about the child he lost before he even realised he had one.

They won’t let him though, not his doctors, not his parents, not Mario, not even his team. 

He’s put on IR; no one will clear him before he’s talked to a counsellor.

Sid hates it. He hates having to talk about his feelings, about his  _pain–-_ “You’re allowed to be angry, Sidney,” the woman tells him. “You’re allowed to scream and shout. To cry.”

He hasn’t. Not even once. In fact, he’s barely said anything at all, as if his voice died along with his child.

Instead, he surrounds himself with silence, cloaks himself with it and keeps it tight, and sometimes, if he concentrates hard enough, Sidney thinks he can hear a baby’s cry.

*

He opens his mouth to scream, but even that is soundless.

*

No one seems quite sure how to handle him, but they seem to have come to a collective agreement that he shouldn’t be left alone. 

And so he's not.

His parents stay with him for a while. They hover, as if Sidney is made of fragile glass and could break at any time. He hates that too, loses track of how many times he snaps at them, and then hates himself for losing his temper, for lashing out on them when all they want is to help.

He’s filled with shame and guilt, sure he must be apologising more than he ever has before.

His mother smiles sadly, waving off his apologies and telling him that she understands. Troy is silent, but he nods his agreement, as passive as Sidney has ever seen him.

That only makes it worse, somehow.

He gets visitors. Friends and teammates showing up at his door almost everyday, so well choreographed that Sidney knows they must have been planning their visits amongst themselves.

He’s glad for that, at least, that they have the sense not to converge on him en masse.

He still doesn’t say much when they show up. It’s Duper, this time. Carole-Lynne is with him, and Sidney sits in a chair by the window, staring out through the glass as he lets Duper and Carole-Lynne fill the stifling silence. 

The conversation is so carefully bland, no mention of the kids or anything of real importance, and all Sidney can think is,  _I lost my child and you have four–-_

He refuses to finish the thought.

*

No one asks him who the father was. 

Sidney never tells.

*

Geno visits him too. 

Sidney likes his visits, likes that Geno doesn’t make him talk. 

He’ll sit quietly, either fiddling with his phone or watching TV while Sidney stares out the window, just being there with him, for hours, sometimes.

This, more than anything, is what Sid really needs. It lets him open his mouth to shape out words, the sound finally there as he says, “I had a miscarriage.”

It’s the first time Sidney says those words aloud. He doesn’t feel any better for saying it. Doesn’t feel less angry.

“Yes,” Geno says. 

“I lost my baby.”

“Yes.”

Sidney draws in a shaky breath, feels the rage simmer in his veins. “It’s not fair, it’s not–-” He exhales. “I shouldn’t have been playing. I should have stopped playing weeks ago.”

“Didn’t know, Sid,” Geno says, and yes, that is true. Sidney hadn’t known, no one had, but still.

He doesn’t know what it says about him, that he hadn’t even known he was pregnant. What kind of parent would he have made, when he hadn’t even known he was going to be one?

“I feel like I’m being punished. That God is-–”

He’s cut off by Geno, who is suddenly in front of him. He reaches out to grab Sidney by the biceps to pull him up from his chair and into a fierce hug. He cradles Sidney to him, resting his chin at the top of his head.

“No,” Geno says. “Don't think like that. Sometimes thing like this happen, and it doesn’t mean anything. Bad things happen, happen to good people sometimes, but not mean that is punishment. Not mean that is your fault.”

Sidney clings to him. “Do you really think so?” His voice is small.

Geno tightens his hold on him.

“Yes. Really think so.”

“Okay,” Sidney says, and finally, he cries.

*

It feels like he cries an ocean.

*

It’s such a dumb thing that makes Sidney burst into laughter, that ridiculous giggle Geno loves teasing him about. It comes out, loud and bright when he watches one of the rookies try to go one on one against Tanger before failing spectacularly. The sound of his mirth echoes through the rink, and Sidney is a little startled by it. He’s not alone, his teammates turning to look at him in surprise before laughing with him.

It’s been such a long time since Sidney has really smiled, really laughed properly. He has spent so long being sad and angry, even after he finally got to play hockey again; he’s not sure who is more shocked at his cheer–-himself or his teammates.

Geno skates up to him, nudging him lightly. He smiles, small and private, a soft thing Sidney has come to understand is only for him. “How is captain today?” he asks, as he has done everyday since Sidney returned full time.

Sid tilts his head, considering. “Not okay,” he says finally, because he knows better than to deny that now. He sees Geno frown, so he adds, “But better than yesterday,” and that is the truth.  

Geno smiles, but doesn’t seem entirely satisfied. He says, “I make feel better. Bring you to zoo after practice. Go see penguins.”

Sidney laughs again at that, and Geno looks so pleased with himself, Sidney can’t say no. Can't think of a reason why he should.

*

Geno takes him out the next day too, and the day after that. Sidney is pretty sure they’re dating.

*

Time passes, and the physical pain is long gone before Sidney realises that the emotional pain, the pain of the loss, never goes away.

It gets easier to bear, though. He has friends and family to help him through it, and they do now that he lets them.

He has Geno too. Geno, who’s been there all along and who’s there when everyone else has left.

Geno, who’s been exactly what Sid needed when he needed it.

Geno, who–-

Sidney is a little bit in love with him. He thinks Geno might be a little bit in love with him back.

He wonders, sometimes, if they’d be heading in the same direction if Sidney hadn’t miscarried. He wonders how Geno would have dealt with raising another man’s child.

He thinks he’d be a good dad, thinks maybe the parenting thing wouldn’t have been so terrifying with Geno by his side.

*

In seven months, Sidney is going to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at [tumblr](http://hazel3017.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] All the Pretty Flowers Series by Hazel_3017](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10624347) by [brightnail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightnail/pseuds/brightnail)




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